The mirage of normality

I don’t know what it’s like to be addicted

But I do know what it’s like to be afflicted

The tightness in my chest breathing constricted

My brain and my heart are so contradicted

My body told my soul “You are evicted!”

If I die, could it have been predicted?

I just want a happy life, unrestricted

I just want to breathe without it impeded

I want to speak without it being sifted

I want to think without it being encrypted

I want to feel good and stop feeling so wicked

I use these pills to keep from being committed

Everyday trying to get by with this medicine

Failing to be happy like the wrong prescription

Look in the mirror and don’t recognize the reflection

This is my life, all I feel is frustration

I’m so lost, but “I’m fine” my depiction

Want to go on but feel eternal damnation

Try to breathe deep but only feel deflation

Death and I… no relationship just flirtation

She’s a succubus, with many expectations

Luring me in with the right narration

She’s a first-person shooter on my PlayStation

I’m playing for my life, no spawn regeneration

Maybe she’s cool…might be my salvation

She can stop the pain, make it go on vacation

Sit back with a Mai Tai and enjoy the sensation

Sand on my fingers

[BOOM]

Flashback to deployment

Lives slip through my fingers just like my enjoyment

Both youth and faith fill me with abandonment

I want revenge as their bodies lie on the pavement

“How can you just stand there as your friend lays dormant?”

“Why aren’t you helping, you’re such a disappointment!”

Their eyes screaming but their mouths silent

I guess shock is real…imagine my bewilderment

His soul escapes, rage fills me in the moment

No bandages, no CPR, no magic ointment

He’s dead, you don’t have to be clairvoyant

The worst days of my life involve this deployment

Day after day another happiness replacement

Suicide without any dismemberment

I should be dead, my soul now forever poignant

Happiness is crystal clear, my soul is now tinted

The old me gone, now completely infected

Army changed me, innocence redacted

Can’t ask for help from a guarded protection

Not showing weakness is inherently insisted

“You are a soldier! Stop getting it twisted”

“Move forward, the mission is dependent”

“When is the mission me?” I contradicted

Push those thoughts out, focus redirected

“You’re fine, drink water” was transmitted

“Lima Charlie, Oscar Mike” I communicated

Suicide bomber trying to get his cell connected

Looks me in the eyes as he’s trying to end it

In this game, Death feels cheated

Others not as lucky as connection completed

Pick up the pieces of my fellow enlisted

Put the pieces in a bowl as I was directed

It’ll be a pretty empty casket I admitted

Can’t dwell on that, another order printed

Time to go get the Humvee shifted

Nerves fried; pistol ready “Are you addicted?”

NO!” Just don’t want my life ended!”

Inside my head I’m treading water with my clothes on

I flail and kick, these sorrows feel like a ton

Battery acid through veins as my lungs struggle open

Water over my lips I started choking

My limbs turn to cement; no longer floating

I’m sinking. I can’t do it anymore. Please throw a rope in

From water to the darkness, one swift motion

I know it’s the beast and he hasn’t even spoken

I’m still alive but feels like my soul has been stolen

No longer under water but lungs still struggle open

Every little thing trigger’s anger and frustration

Void of happiness there is no light in this location

Watching my body as a lifeless reflection

The puppet master controlling my attention

He controls my movements into humiliation

He’s the director, I’m the animation

I’m in control of nothing, my minds desperation

How can I be a husband, a father, or any combination?

Looking through red eyes all I see is aggravation

My focus is on nothing but obliteration

Rage fills all the voices, complete renovation

No psalms, no proverbs, just this revelation

I’m not a man anymore, I’m the Beasts incarnation

Darkness taken over, complete transformation

No more humanity, nothing but desolation

Fear in the title of Stepdad is it’s classification

My spirit too weak to fight the Beasts domination

It’s so hard to hurt its power magnification

I’m so weak and tired, need assimilation

I don’t want to give up… I can’t give in…

I’m barely surviving… how do I win?

With everything I have I strike down the apparition

[GASP]

I can FINALLY breathe!

My lungs fill with air as the beast retreats

The nightmare is over I was reliving a dream

Guess what? It doesn’t matter

The damage is done, the mood is somber

What did I do while I was under?

I’m me again…or am I something left over

As I clean up the pieces, I don’t want to be sober

Meticulously try to put things together

Shards of glass for this puzzle master

Making them fit back is harder and harder

It’s a tiny ripple in a larger body of water

A tidal wave IN HERE, I’m desperate for a harbor

I can see the shore but as I closer it gets farther

“How long will you last, what do you have to offer?”

“Don’t worry, I’m Fine” a small lie from this author.

By Jeremy Caquelin